In a perfect world, toddler tantrums are nonexistent. In reality, meltdowns are as inevitable as sleepless nights. They’re a routine part of parenting that challenges empathy, patience, and self-regulation skills—for children and parents. But Kendra Worth, a Sleep and Parenting Coach and mom of three, has parents convinced that putting gentle parenting techniques into practice can be worthwhile.
Worth’s viral video, uploaded to TikTok and Instagram on January 23rd, is a direct glimpse into her life as a toddler parent. While her 3-year-old has a tantrum over a misunderstanding with a bowl of cereal, Worth sits calmly in front of the downstairs bedroom door, waiting for her daughter to settle down and come to her. “She threw herself against the floor and started screaming, so I was like, ‘OK, before we deal with the cereal issue, we need to calm down fully and regulate,” Worth tells Motherly.
Once her toddler’s sobbing turns to sniffles, Worth—a former nanny and education specialist for children and adults with diverse learning, emotional, and physical needs—focuses on co-regulating her daughter by giving her hugs and back rubs.
“I ask a lot of questions because I want to engage the more rational part of her brain that’s in charge of higher-level thinking [and] I want to have a conversation with her, not give her a lecture.”
Worth also tells her in a gentle tone that, “You can cry softly,” while firmly reminding her that screaming next to her face is not OK. “After she’s been calm for [a while], it’s time to discuss what happened and why she’s upset,” Worth says in the captions. “I ask a lot of questions because I want to engage the more rational part of her brain that’s in charge of higher-level thinking [and] I want to have a conversation with her, not give her a lecture.” The entire interaction takes only three minutes.
With the tantrum fully behind them, Worth and her daughter spend the final moments of the video practicing a kid-friendly breathing exercise intended to encourage deep breaths. “Great parenting is all about boundaries, connection, and building trust,” she writes, adding that, “A little fun [and] laughter always helps!”
Worth’s decision to help her daughter regulate her emotions shifts the situation in a way that scolding her or telling her to take a time-out by herself would not. “If I had done a time-out, she could have been in that room for 30, 45 minutes screaming and crying,” Worth says. “I just don’t want to make her feel neglected or rejected by me, but I do want her to understand we can’t be screaming in the middle of the house and throwing ourselves on the floor. We can go do that in a separate room and cool down.”
What to do if it’s a public meltdown
A tantrum can happen at any moment. Being away from home means a spare bedroom or a familiar hideaway isn’t always available. So how are you supposed to take a “time in” with your child, like Worth? “I find a private area in the store, go to a separate room if we’re at someone’s house, go outdoors, or go to the car,” Worth says in the comments of her Instagram video, which has over four million views. “Removing ‘the audience’ is so important.”
From there, the steps are the same as they would be at home:
- Sit quietly in the room and wait for your child to come to you.
- When they come over, try co-regulating by comforting them with hugs and physical touch, like stroking their hair or rubbing their back.
- Once the screaming stops, try speaking in gentle tones to reassure them with your words.
- From here, you can try modeling deep breaths to calm yourself and your child. Deep pressure squeezes — like a firm hug — are also physiologically calming.
- If it looks like they’re ready to talk, discuss what happened and ask them why they’re upset or what’s bothering them. Patience is key here.
- As you listen, repeat what they’re saying back to them to make it clear that you understand their reasoning.
- At this point, Worth recommends maintaining comforting physical touch while explaining why you had to put a boundary in place, whether that’s taking away a cereal bowl, turning off the TV, or going home early. Asking questions as you explain also helps children stay engaged and increases the likelihood that they’ll retain what you teach them.
Gentle parenting is not permissive parenting
Gentle parenting doesn’t mean rewarding bad behavior, despite common misconceptions. Practicing permissive parenting means setting minimal boundaries and expectations for discipline. But practicing gentle parenting is all about being engaged. That doesn’t mean giving in to your child’s demands, but being there to guide them—with boundaries in place—as they try to understand their feelings. From there, they can begin to adjust their reactions.
“The only reward for a tantrum is giving a child the objective of the tantrum, so that would have been immediately giving the bowl back when she started to scream,” Worth says in response to an Instagram comment conflating the two parenting styles. “She wasn’t tantruming to get a hug, and love should never be withheld as punishment or given as a reward. It’s just what’s needed to help regulate a child.”
Long-term effects on your child’s well-being
Worth’s gentle, effective approach to managing her daughter’s tantrums has resonated with thousands of parents, who are excited to try the technique for themselves.
“This is the gentle parenting I fully support!” one parent wrote on TikTok. “The communication you’re having with her is amazing! I love this! Taking soo many notes thank you for sharing this!” Another added, “That is real gentle parenting people! Firm boundaries but always reassuring and helping the child through their emotions! Love it!”
After a year of practicing this tantrum technique with her daughter, Worth has noticed immense progress in her daughter’s ability to self-regulate. “She does it really quickly now,” Worth says. “I feel like a year ago, when I first started this with her, she might have been screaming for a good five minutes on the bed. But, I think, now that she knows I’m there to help her regulate, she’s really quick to run over to me and get my help to calm down . . . A lot of times, the tantrum doesn’t even happen because she knows she can get my help to calm down before it gets any worse.”
